How Do I ‘Actively Listen’?

There are three parts to active listening:

1. Try to work out what your child is feeling

Your child may not know what she is feeling.  Your job is to help her understand and name her feelings, from what you can detect in her tone of voice, her manner, and what she is saying.  This is the most important part of active listening.

2. Use the facts your child has given you

What is the child telling you about the situation as they see it?  What is their perception of the facts of their story?

3. Combine the feelings and the facts in a “You statement”.

State what your child’s actions tell you they’re feeling, including some of the situation: “You…(feeling word)…because ……………”

When you use active listening, you are trying to understand your child’s experience – to see things from their point of view – and to help your child understand what is happening for them.  This is a way of “walking in their shoes”.  This must be done in a careful, accepting and non-directing way.  You must try not to manipulate your child when using active listening.

Your toddler really objects when you want to change his nappy.  He may run away, kick or scream. 

1. What might the child be feeling? Annoyed; or frustrated.
2. What are the facts? Having their nappy changed; or wanting to keep playing.

An active listening response might be: “You really don’t want me to change your nappy”; or.  “You seem frustrated, because you’d just like to keep playing”

Your four year old calls out for you during the night.

1. What might the child be feeling? Scared; or confused.
2. What are the facts? Waking alone, in the dark; or going to bed in parents’ bed, then being moved to own bed.

An active listening response might be: “You’re scared when you wake up and it’s dark”; or “You seem confused – when you went to sleep, you were in Mummy and Daddy’s bed.  Now you’re in your bed”

Teenage girl comes home from school, slams her bedroom door, then comes out and sits moodily at the table.

1. What might the child be feeling? Annoyed; or frustrated.
2. What are the facts? She has just returned from school; or you knew she had a maths test yesterday.

An active listening response might be: “ Seems like you had a pretty bad day today”; or “You’re looking pretty frustrated and upset.”

Your five year old falls off his bike and scrapes her knee on the bitumen.  She begins to cry.

1.  What might the child be feeling?  Sore; hurt; in pain.
2.  What are the facts? She has just fallen off her bike.

An active listening response might be: “Looks like that knee is really hurting you!!”

When Can I Use Active Listening?

Active listening is useful when:

1. your child is upset – he may feel sad, angry, frustrated, frightened, and so on.  By active listening, you can help your child sort his feelings out for himself.  He  may then work out, or ask your help to work out, what he can do to help resolve the problem.
2. you and your child have a conflict.  This is very difficult to do, but is worthwhile trying.  Using active listening when your child is annoyed with you, or by something you have asked them to do, helps:
   1. you understand why your child is defensive
   2. your child feel she is still important to you – that you are trying to understand things from her perspective – and that you know how hard it is to to change, even though you would still like her to change her behaviour.

Warning – do not actively listen too long to your children when they are angry with you. They may begin to feel as though you are just deflecting their point of view.